Examples Below

Marriage.........

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner, so when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear as if they'd been married for a long time. ¨Sure¨, he said, ¨You carry the suitcases¨

Deaf...
When Myrtle finally brought a bloke home her parents were relieved that this might be the Mr. Right who would take her off their hands. But when they took a closer look they took Myrtle to on side and said: ¨He's not exactly a young man¨, whispered her mother. ¨He's fat, he's bald and he's pretty old isn't he? ¨There's no need to whisper mum. He's stone deaf too¨

Curse...........
An old woman goes to see a witch doctor to ask him if he can remove a curse she's been living with for 40 years. He says that it's possible if she can remember the exact words that were used at the time. Without hesitating she says: ¨I now pronounce you man and wife¨

Names...
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were talking about the patriotic names they gave their sons. The Englishman proudly announced that his son was born on St. Georges Day, so he called him George. The Scotsman's son was born on St. Andrew's day so he called him Andrew. The Irishman said: ¨You know, this is an incredible coincidence. The same thing happened to me. I called my son Pancake’

Perfume...
An old Italian woman gets into an elevator in a plush New York City office building. A young attractive woman smelling like expensive perfume gets in and says: ¨Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce! ¨ On the next floor, another young lady gets in and says to the old Italian: Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce! ¨ The Italian gets out on the next floor, turns to the two girls and farts. She says: ¨Broccoli, 49 cents a pound! ¨

Bulls...
An Englishman, on holiday in Spain, visits a restaurant and sees a customer being served a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter on the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful and he called the waiter over to order the same dish. The waiter explained that the dish comprised of bulls testicles from the bull fight that morning and was a local delicacy. Unfortunately, there was only one bull fight a day and the dish had to ordered in advance. The man made a reservation for the dish, in advance, for the next day. On his return, he sat down and eagerly awaited the delicacy. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said: ¨These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday¨ The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: ¨Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins! ¨

Doctor...
A man goes to the doctor and says: ¨I’m not feeling too good¨ The doc examines him and half an hour later comes back and says: ¨I’m sorry to have to break this to you, but the results of my tests show you only have three minutes to live¨ The man is obviously distraught and pleads with the GP.
¨Doc, isn’t there anything you can do for me? ¨
¨Well¨, the doctor replies, ¨I suppose I could boil you an egg¨


Audi Quatro...
Five men are travelling across Europe in an Audi Quatro car. They drive through France and Belgium and eventually reach the German border. A German guard stops the car and says: ¨You are in zee Audi Quatro; There are five of you in zee car and zis is a Quatro: Quatro means four and because there are five of you in zee car, you cannot come through zee German border! ¨ After arguing with the guard, trying to explain that the Audi Quatro is the name of the car, and is a five-seater vehicle, the German still refuses to let them pass the border. They insisted on speaking to the guard’s superior.
¨You cannot speak to my superior¨ the guard shouted. ¨He is interrogating the two Italians in the Fiat Uno¨

The folding bucket...
A man goes to the patent office with some new designs.
¨I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle¨ he says.
¨Okay¨ the clerk says. ¨what do you call it? ¨
¨A fottle¨ the man replied.
¨That’s a stupid name¨ the clerk said. ¨Can’t you think of any other name to call it? ¨
¨I can think about it, but I’ve got something else to show you. It’s a folding carton¨
¨And what are you going to call that? ¨
¨A farton¨
¨That’s another ridiculous name, and it sounds rude¨ the clerk said.
¨In that case¨ the inventor said, ¨You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket¨


Hearing........
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says: ¨Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. Every time I ‘ let off’ they are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ ve ‘ let off’ 20 times since I’ ve been in your office and because they are silent and don’ t smell, you wouldn’ t know¨ The doctor says: ¨I see, take these pills and come back next week¨
The next week the lady comes back into the doctor’ s office and says: ¨I don’ t know what pills you gave me, but every time I now ‘ let off’ , although they are silent, they really smell now! ¨ ¨Good¨, the doctor says. ¨Now that we’ ve cleared up your sinuses, let’ s work on your hearing¨

Tragic death.........
A woman was telling her friend about the tragic and sudden death of her husband.
¨One minute he was with me and then he went out into the garden to pick some runner beans for our tea and he dropped dead¨, she said.
¨That’ s terrible¨, said her friend. ¨what did you do? ¨
¨I opened a tin of peas instead¨, she replied.


How old.........
¨How old are you Grandma? ¨ asked little Samantha.
¨Oh, I don’ t know, dear¨ said Grandma with a smile. ¨I’ ve had so many birthdays, I’ ve lost count! ¨
¨Well, why don’ t you look in your knickers? ¨ said Samantha. ¨Mine say three to four years old¨


Crufts...........
A woman entered her beautiful Chiwawah into Crufts dog show every year and couldn’ t understand why it kept on coming second or third. Frustrated and extremely angry, she questioned the judges, who explained to her that, although her dog was a prize example of the breed, it had too much hair around the neck area. She stormed off and went to the chemist to get some hair removing cream.
The assistant warned her that if she was using the cream for under her arms, then she shouldn’ t use deodorant for a few days.
¨Oh, it’ s not for under my arms¨, the lady said. ¨It’ s for my Chiwawah¨
¨Well, in that case¨, replied the assistant, ¨don’ t ride your bike for a week¨


Put down ...
Three dogs are at the vets. The Alsatian asks the Rockweiler what he is in there for and he tells him that he’ s about to put down for attacking the postman. The Alsatian says he too is being put down for biting the annoying kid next door. They turn to the Golden Retriever and he says he couldn’ t resist mounting his mistress from behind when she was running the bath totally naked last night. The Rockweiler and Alsatian say ¨So you’ re going to be put down as well? ¨ ¨Oh no, I’ m here to have my nails cut¨

Monkeys...........
A dad takes his excited kids to the zoo and they were all looking forward to seeing the monkeys. Unfortunately, it was mating time and the attendant explained that the monkeys had gone inside their little sanctuary for some togetherness. The father, seeing that the children were really disappointed said ¨Do you think that they would come out for some peanuts? ¨
The attendant said ¨Would you? ¨


Results of last night’ s Fancy Dress Competition...
And here are the results of last night’s Fancy Dress Competition for Nudists...
The first prize went to the girl who wore black gloves and black shoes and went as the five of spades.
The runner up was a 92 year-old man with his best dried fruit arrangement.


Ministers teeth..............
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled out and new dentures made. The first Sunday service arrived and the minister preached for only ten minutes. The second service lasted twenty minutes. But by the third Sunday he preached for one hour and 25 minutes. Some of the congregation asked him what the problem had been.
¨Well¨, he said, ¨on the first Sunday, my gums were hurting so I could only manage a short service. A week later, my dentures were hurting me so I managed to talk for twenty minutes. However, today, three weeks later after having my dentures fitted, I accidentally picked up my wife’ s dentures and I couldn’ t stop talking¨

Going for a wee...
Little Johnny disgraced himself at the dinner table by announcing loudly that he was going for a ‘ wee-wee’ .
¨Don’ t say that, Johnny¨ said his shocked mother. ¨In future, if you want to go to the toilet, try to be more discreet. Just say, ‘ I want to whisper’ ¨
The next day, little Johnny’ s grandfather came to dinner and as granddad was eating his soup, Johnny said, ¨Excuse me Granddad, I want to whisper¨
¨Alright¨, said Granddad. ¨Come over here and whisper in my ear¨


Chicken Tikka...
¨Waiter, I see on the menu that you have Chicken Tarka. Shouldn’ t that be Chicken Tikka? ¨
¨No sir, it’ s like Chicken Tikka, only a little otter! ¨


Who’ s Linda?
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife is annoyed with him. ¨Last night, you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is¨ she shouted.
Thinking quickly, he tells her that Linda is ‘ Lucky Linda’ , a horse that he’ d won on yesterday.
She accepted this and he went off to work.
When he arrived home, his wife was fuming!
¨What’ s the matter Darling¨ he said.
¨Your horse phoned¨


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